nostalgia

 

I had not even completed my bereavement and it was time for yet another funeral, reflection is like viewing time in all its dimensions. You see past present and future all at once due to the cyclic nature of our behavior and variables. It's called self-sabotage when you know what it takes to make a beneficial change to your life and choose to sit complacent, but is it really sabotage or awareness? It's typical advice to exceed or push your limits, that is growth in its most basic description in my opinion but to exceed your limits you must first become aware of them. You must first come to terms with the ugly picture you see in that mirror and you must stare at it intently and more importantly objectively. It's almost as if you must become a stranger to return to yourself.

I had not even finished coming to terms with the demise of my childhood. That charismatic confident young boy teeming with curiosity and excitement, the world he thrived in no longer exists. It came down all around him and he walks in the rubble. It seems there is an ultimatum; be driven by nostalgia to pick up the pieces and try rebuilding it anew from the ground up or forget it in its entirety and tread among the rubble searching. In plants anchorage is a prerequisite for growth. The former part of the ultimatum feels like it neglects grounding. Who am I if not an amalgamation of previous experiences, personal and shared, which I have perceived and deduced lessons from. If I let go, am I essentially agreeing to be at the mercy of the whims of circumstance? 

I was still mourning my childhood when the demise of my late adolescence and early adulthood came. Caught up in memories, struggling to handle the cold closure and grief. too caught up to notice yet another version of me was shrivelling and dying. It's only now landing that this will be the trend for the rest of my existence. Life is just one big act of letting go. Joy, even in its short bursts stems from embracing the impermanence and confronting it. You randomly get reminders that you're here for the first time and you are making a mess of it. If you do not proudly own your mess and choose to be shameful, you suffer the detriments alone, they weigh only on your conscience. As you try working out whether past you was happier, or present you will be in a better position than you are now, current you is sitting in a corner watching you trying to resonate with everyone apart from them