Freefall

 




I remember last time, how little expectations I had and how that made the occasion all the more grandiose. It was a lovely coincidence made even better by the surprise I got. You made sure I felt celebrated even though I was not meeting your expected hallmark of excellence. Looking back I'm filled with melancholy. Five years have now gone by and I am met by the same coincidence but under vastly different circumstances. You are still here and for that I am grateful. You are still here despite my lack of achievement, despite the pain you bore because of my insolence and naivety. It makes me sad to think of all the times you have had to overcome bitterness and resentment. Every time you have had to put aside what you were feeling to do what needed to be done. When we reflect together I am astounded by how much you have gone through alone. I blame my juvenile nature for not being able to even fathom how I can atone for your struggle. I hope some day you will be able to see all the joy this world has to offer through your own eyes and not vicariously. You continue to sacrifice everything everyday with a smile and that motivates me more than I will ever be able to express.



I do not know whether to remain grounded or grow wings and fly away, I am sure I will reach the sky either way because I was bred to break the clouds. I have had to reject many of this world's teachings in favor of personal and more impactful lessons. I have grown to realize how skewed my view is and I have slowly garnered the strength, empathy and courage to challenge the man in the mirror. It is difficult to be a peaceable person conflicted internally, but such is the nature of our existence. I expected to be a labor of building since I was led to believe my foundation had already been set for me. Upon further investigation I learned that the first step was demolition and that the whole process is recurrent. You build, knock down and start all over again and that's just how it goes. You let it all go, freefall, and you learn to trust your wings. You molt and shed your feathers every so often but again, that's just how it goes. 


I look at my past self with both admiration and disgust it's only normal. Every so often I am presented with a familiar situation and I have to ask myself whether I should handle it how I did the first time or change my approach. If I am always changing does that make me a hypocrite. If I am always rigid doesn't it make me stuck in my ways. You now see the two devils and each time you have to ask yourself which of them is the lesser one both from an objective and subjective standpoint. I want to grow but I am afraid of losing myself doing it. I'm afraid of stagnation but find comfort and satisfaction in  what I am used to. Ya dig? 



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