it's like a good kind of scarring

 Would you criticize a starving man's table manners? Is it not normal to not know how to act when you touch what you previously deemed unobtainable? I'd like to think it's not for the lack of belief or drive. There's a certain dread that accompanies awareness. You begin to see how little control you actually have on how things turn out. The world has an uncanny way of reminding you to stay humble. Persistence always pays though, in the same way statistically, the more you gamble the more your chances of winning. Given human nature and how transient our desires are I acknowledge what I want right now might be fleeting. That however does not make me want it any less, If I cannot have it right now I will put myself in the best position to receive it later. 

It is so easy to become apathetic when every single thing looks like a quest fueled by the futility of desire. Yet it is the same drive we have been taught to channel into productivity. Yearning for something for so long and finally getting your hands on it is an unexplainable feeling. In that same moment however you are confronted with the weight of responsibility, I now have this very valuable thing that I must take care of or I will lose it or its privileges. At that point you choose either to embrace it or run away. It must feel euphoric to see someone lay it all on the floor and give it their all just to garner your presence and attention. To see someone place such immense value in you, it is almost like worship. It may sound sadistic but think about it, the more you put a subject that desires you through, the more it fights for you. I empathize with anybody who has given all they have either literally or figuratively just to get a glimpse or hold on to feeling and or a thing and watched slip it through their hands. 

I have tasted defeat at the hands of desire. I had nothing, saw everything and convinced myself I deserved more. The more I wanted the less I got, the more I complained the more bitter my own words tasted. I began to retrospectively see how much I have altered myself to control an outcome. I have given more of myself to different people and causes than I have given to myself and I am proud of it. I was put on this world as a servant of myself or others, it is my scar and I proudly wear it. I have reduced myself to nothing repetitively. I have waited in vain, watched others take my place and smiled through it all. A lesson in humility, a reminder to stay grounded. I have taken multiple blows to the chin and not once has my head bowed in defeat. That is a testament to my strength and I am in no competition. I am here to observe relate and move on with a lesson. I will not be shamed for now I know.