Faustian bargain

 There's a 'rule' of the universe I've constantly been hearing and thinking about of late, the law of equivalent exchange. The deal is, to get something you want, you must be willing to part with something of equivalent magnitude or importance. Another way to define it is probably the Faustian bargain. The proverbial term for selling your soul. You make a deal with the devil to get what you want. In little 'The little mermaid' Ariel made a Faustian bargain to receive her feet and in turn she lost her voice. An equivalent exchange of sorts. It's therefore illogical for one to expect something in return for nothing, it is against universal law.

I wonder if past me would be proud of current me, but again I'm certain that current me is in a better place. I'm proud I have this blog where I have vividly documented my thought processes through multiple articles. I have been writing on it for 4 years now, writing since I was 20 years old. I view myself as the same young man, only now I have seen the fruits of some of my Faustian bargains. Experiences fundamentally change our mental models. Give anything time and it will all unfurl before you. I'd like to consider myself empathetic. It's been ingrained into me. I was once on Kiambu road at 1 am with a dead phone and no cash, no matatu came by with an empty seats and those that did didn't want to even present me with the option to do something like put my sim card into a phone and pay. I asked an older man for the same favor but he yelled at me and dismissed me saying I was a thief/conman. I found it hilarious really. I had black boots a khaki trouser and a huge jacket on, my hair was also shaggy, I looked like a thug. In that moment I empathized with anyone who's been mis profiled and at the same time those with a reason to be paranoid. I am the conscious world experiencing itself.

I have been all sides of the 'love spectrum'. I've tried and failed miserably to form and maintain a long term relationship. I've been on casual stints to rebound and ended up hurting people who knew nothing of my pain. I've been used as a rebound and felt the doubt over a severed connection. I've been a dirty secret. I've been loved out loud. I've made a Faustian bargain to experience it. The price has been my trust and willingness to try. At 20 my world would have crumbled at the thought of having nobody for myself, at 24 I'm okay with being on the fringes on everybody's lives. At 20 I was struggling to master relationships and navigate them at 24 I'm decentralizing my compulsion to please and possess, familiarizing with the fundamental differences we all have and reconciling with the aftermath of my trials. I cannot say I am happy whatever happened to me happened the way it did but I'm better and more knowledgeable because of it.

I'm big on mutuality, I treat people how I'd like to be treated. I make subtle but important behavioral observations and consciously or subconsciously react to them. I am aware of my less desirable traits and try to show them less. I hate being around people like me, I hate feeling compelled to act in a certain way to compensate for someone else's emotions. I hate being held to a high behavioral standard. I hate being perceived and questioned. I wonder how many Faustian bargains I've made and how ruthless the devil will be when he comes for his dues.