On esteem

 I often find myself seated on stones. I find being confined inside four walls debilitating. I like to go outside feel the sun on my skin and the wind in my lungs. Because of this I'm familiar around my neighborhood. Anytime I leave the house I have to meet at least a few people I know and exchange pleasantries. I'm hard to miss, I've rode the same bicycle for 17 years and wear the same casual outfits I've had since the last presidency. Sometimes people tag along on my little adventures which is, most times, a welcome feat. I have an affinity for cannabis, I wrote an article on my first ever time smoking it. I can write about my various experiences with it for days but I'll refrain. 98% of my friends smoke and I like having someone to smoke with.

So on this particular day I was with a friend of mine, Marlon, atop some stones, taking long lazy drags of our 'exotic' joint. If you're a smoker you probably know how the first few puffs of the day have you feeling. You suddenly feel good, warm and comfortable enough. On this day Marlon, a very outspoken guy by the way, started a conversation." Have you ever had a bully?" he asked. I have never been outrightly had someone dedicate their existence to being the bane of mine. I have been made fun of but none of it really stuck. I've also never been the target of any physical bullying because I can hold my own in a fight. So I said no, I've never had a bully, none worth remembering. "I think I love my bully.", Marlon said. I gave him a skeptical look

"Is it some sort of kink or something?", I asked. "Maybe" he responded. We laughed. He told me how he has a platonic affection for the person who's bullied him most in his life. I was curious as to how it could be so I asked him. He explained that he was bullied and protected by the same person throughout his life. I had heard of people who had piece of shit older siblings, so I assumed this was the case. I did not want to probe, it would feel like an interview. It was confusing. "I had my ego stripped away from me a very long time, anything I had for myself, my opinions, my knowledge, my perception of the world around me... It was stripped away from me." he said. " It taught me how to be humble, the hard way." I wondered what kind of MK ultra kind of conditioning the bully used. "I live with my biggest bully unfortunately."

Marlon continued with his tangent as the blunt smoke gently billowed in the air. He didn't look at me as he spoke, his gaze was fixed on the backdrop of hills in the distance. "I've become the most accommodating and civil version of myself without trying. I learned from the context of my existence alongside this person, I learned so much. I appreciate the lesson but not the method. I saw the malice and the hurt my teacher carried so much that I swore I'd be nothing like them. I learned not by emulating but by learning not to. I wasn't shown how to walk in the light, I was taught to fear the darkness and run away from it. All the love and respect I have for myself.." He paused. I hadn't realized the intricacy of what he had told me yet. And then he said, "Don't get me wrong, my mom loves me, I love her too so much"