Compartmentalization

 What's the easiest way to get amnesia? I battle memories that make me want to bludgeon my own head. Do you think it would work? Maybe if they spilled to the ground they'd stop bouncing all around my head. They're not necessarily bad, quite the contrary actually...

There's a phenomenon called compartmentalization that occurs within the human mind. The brain is where all sensations and stimuli are processed. I'd like to think that the 'technological equivalent' of the human brain would be a Central Processing Unit in a computer. I use my computer to make beats on FL Studio and whenever there's a CPU overload I can almost hear the CPU start to crackle and pop. This is normally as a result of using a plugin or VST that needs a lot of processing power. The human brain also processes information, a computer's blueprint.

Back to compartmentalization now. So the human brain cannot use all it's processing power to just process information, you need it to control vital processes as well. So humans, when they go through an experience that the brain cannot comprehend or process fully, have a natural defense mechanism. The brain is divided into the conscious brain, which I think are the parts of the brain we can control and the unconscious brain, parts of the brain we normally have no access to no matter the situation. So the brain stores this 'difficult to process' information in the unconscious brain so that we may forget and function. An example of such stimuli would be sexual assault, especially at a young age before we develop coping mechanisms and methods of deduction.

So typically a human found this out and the first thing they thought about was how to exploit it and they actually did. The CIA conducted the MK Ultra mind control experiments in the 1960s because they thought that the Soviets had mastered mind control (Capitalism is so funny). In their studies they found out that through methods like shock therapy they could access these 'compartments' in the human brain. They began recruiting 'traumatized' children en masse to use as mind controlled 'sleeper agents'. In one example they worked in tandem with a politician running an underground child-pornography ring (because of course there's an underground child exploitation ring run in cohorts with government officials). So these poor children, in addition to being sexually abused had to endure mental torture by the CIA who wanted access to these 'compartments'

When someone has access to a part of your brain you cannot control, you are their slave. These kids were used to quote on quote 'deliver special messages and services between top ranking government officials. I cannot remember the name of the woman, a survivor of such an ordeal, who was talking about in in a speech in 1977. But you should check it out if you like psychology rabbit holes. I mentioned compartmentalization because my ghosts are not mean, but they're ghosts regardless. I wish I had a compartment in my brain which I cannot access where I can store all the things I cannot afford to remember daily, or as much as I do.

I keep catching glimpses of happiness. Eyes lovingly scanning me, voices breathily saying my name into my neck...damn. I wish I could put aside how erotic and good it feels. Part of the human condition is learning how to control your natural urges, maybe. I wish I could forget how good it all feels, I wish i could just brush it aside. I'm consumed by feelings and urges I can only describe to pages. I'm torn apart in my solitude by the memory of the joys of finding one akin to me. My mind feels like a time capsule, I erupt with nostalgia every time I'm in there. I'd love to have my compartment as a pretty chest (lol) where I could store all the happiness I can't afford to remember