Fault-lines

 I'm a fool for rambling on about human behavior when I do not even have mine in check. I have no authority to lead with my gut about anything when I myself have been led to where I stand now. I think I know too much and that's a fool's disposition. Still I hope to find inherent good in myself, to prove to myself that I may be a good person although I keep doing bad things. Maybe that's why I write these things, these meaningless squiggles on an obscure corner of the internet. Maybe I write to console myself with words I'd like to hear. Maybe all of this is an insecure man's quest for reassurance.

I have always been proud to be expressive, hell, my pride is what led me to begin this endeavor in the first place. Maybe that pride in expression is a problem because, when you get enough reassurance and compliments on your way of thinking you begin to see it as just. What do I know about life and the complexities of it all, it's like thinking you know the ocean just by wading in the low tides. I'm yet to see the breadth of it all and I fear I cannot continue to experience it to the fullest if I keep intellectualizing it all. My words, I realize are nothing to go by. Especially when I look in to a mirror and see the man speaking them. 

Just note how many times I've used the word 'maybe'. I'm not even a surefooted speaker. It's a fools errand to speak on speculation and especially speculations about people. I let my thoughts run wild on these blog pages and yet I chastise the internet for having too many stupid opinions. What's the difference really? What's the difference between me going off on my keyboard driven by fits of emotion and the others who do it in front of cameras or in comment sections. I used to think of myself as an empath, someone who can feel others' pain. Now I see I'm far from it. Maybe I'm just looking for confirmation bias so I can feel better about my hurting. I don't know, I'm just an expressive fool.

As long as there is life there is hope though. Maybe my acknowledgement of the above will lead me to change, or maybe it will make me judge myself more harshly for staying rooted. I don't know, I'm just an expressive fool. I hope to be the sort of man who provides security for anybody who needs it. I hope to be the type of man who says only what is needed and not feel the need to impose. I hope to be the type of man remembered for the kindness of his words and not the harshness of his reprimand. In order for this to happen I must learn to open up less through my words and convey through my actions. I hope whoever's reading this feels less challenged by me and more understood. You have been a fantastic audience and I fear I may be a less than stellar host.