I've lived in the same town for most of my adult life;
I moved to the current town I live in back in 2013, thirteen years ago. I was only 12. I've lived here for more years than I've lived anywhere before. Kitengela will forever be my anchoring. I have too many memories attached to this dusty hot little pocket of civilization. There's something humanizing about spending an extended amount of time with anything. My mom has had the same car for about the same amount of time I've lived here. I remember how nervous and nauseous I used to feel whenever we'd be heading to school on Mondays in it, mostly because I used to shirk my weekend homework to play games and football. I can drive now and sometimes I look at the passenger seat and realize I'm no longer that little boy but I'm still in the same places he was. Now I'm seated in the drivers seat feeling nauseous and nervous about making a life for myself. Kitengela has definitely been a character in my life, I have seen it grow nearly as much as I've grown in it. I love my neighborhood but I feel like I'm walking amongst ghosts sometimes. There are so many things I cannot leave behind simply because they happened where I still am, it's melancholic.
I've never maximized any of my academic potential;
From my earlier admission you can tell I was never much interested in school and school work. I remember when I changed schools when we moved and for the first time ever I had to attend school on Saturday. It was such a buzzkill, I'd always look for the must mundane excuses not to turn up. I remember one of my teachers say and I paraphrase "...you are so lazy but you still manage to do well, imagine what you could achieve." It's always stuck with me and it makes me feel guilty. Now that I'm a little more grown I see the value of applying yourself to achieve excellence. I recall passing one exam and seeing some of the smartest people in my class start to perceive me as an academic threat, "You got lucky this time, next time nitakushinda." It felt good to make people feel threatened by my potential. I assure you I cannot ride the highs of that euphoria any more though. I fell off that horse so long ago. I got to high-school and barely survived, I went from being among the cream of the crop to coming in the last third of a lot of 700. I think that was the beginning of the death of the student in me. And then came the mess I made of my University education as a confused first year student and that was most definitely the final nail in the coffin. I have righted my academic wrongs to some degree though. The thing that gives me solace is seeing my little sister absolutely smash it on that front, I am so vicariously proud of her.
I'm not well socialized;
This one perhaps hits me the hardest. I'm learning the nuances that go into being in circles of others. I have had the same friends for most of my life, I think it's something to be proud of. I've stayed solid with the people who've seen me through the various phases of my life so far but again, maybe it's indicative of another issue. I once sat across the table with one of my friends and heard them tell of how they thrive in new circles, I look upon that with admiration. I dislike the ordeal of being known. Especially in this phase of my life where most of the things I'm doing are experimental. Maybe my comfort zone is holding me back or maybe it's a defense mechanism. I have so much I carry with me that makes how I approach friendly dynamics with caution and apathy mostly, not hope and freedom. I miss being a child, now I'm too worried about how I'm perceived.
Don't know how to be contented
I'm always pushing for more and for better. I think my biggest source of discomfort is thinking things could be better. It's the hunger that speaks to every young man desperate to prove to the world that he's been underestimated and disrespected. I'm growing to see that maybe this is not necessarily a good thing. It has taken away my ability to enjoy what is in front of me, everything now seems like a quest to satisfy my ego. It's a display of low esteem and I do not want that to be a term I use to define myself at any point in my life. I want to exist in a place where my mind allows me to experience something fully without thinking about how much I do or don't deserve it. I want to return to a version of myself that made everything he experienced beautiful. I however wonder if that will be possible.
I'm a stranger to the people closest to me
I speak more to my keyboard than to my family. It's not bad blood, rather it's resignation. A fatigue from trying so many times to come to a middle-ground unsuccessfully. I'm the first child where I come from, my parents are 30 years older than me, lethal combination. It's not fair to my parents to say I have sojourned for most of my life, they have provided all that was expected. However, on matters mentality and intrinsic wellbeing, I may tell a different story. My mental fortitude has always concerned me, a part of me feels like a mentor would give me a blueprint of what to expect and how to navigate some things that happen to most of us in canon. But I'm also a curious case, I don't desire to be like anybody around me family or friends so maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I cannot accommodate intimacy because I do not know how to love myself but again nobody taught me anything about self appreciation, I was only ever criticized and barely encouraged. Maybe that's why I come off as standoffish because I was always defensive. Finding myself trying to explain why things affect me to the degree they do.
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