On solitude

There may be honor in silence, I don't know, I keep battling the need to let my thoughts run amok. My keyboard has become my outlet, an outlet I must use lest I risk everything pouring out of me when I least want or expect it. I try to move past the need for an audience or witness but I live in a world I'm compelled to talk about deeply. I earnestly crave a person for myself, somebody I can selfishly and selflessly indulge in, MY person. I'd love to see my heart outside of my body. Someone who looks to me as something precious and personal. I however walk around chasing highs because they give me a solace, some things you cannot replace. 

Heroin addicts talk about how even after recovering from their addictions it's still ruined their lives. Nothing comes close to the euphoria of your first hit ever. Even the happiest moments of your life will feel miniscule because of the intensity of the high that heroin gives you. I hate admitting I'm a romantic because I'm probably the most pathetic type of romantic. The moneyless, always confessing, always needing kind of lover. I'm sure you've cringed at that sight now or before. I am unable to healthily express my obsession and needs. Maybe it's because I wait until the weight of it becomes unbearable to me, I wait until I start to buckle or until I'm on my knees . I've honestly never known any other way.

I see how they talk about men like me. The disdain they have for my kind of disposition, the lack of respect for anyone who allows themselves to feel and process as deeply as I do. The disdain that has led so many of my kind to withdraw into isolation and finding answers at the bottom of bottles and in clouds of smoke. Self-preservation, in the aim of keeping up with an image of invincibility. Negligence because you cannot allow anything to get in the way of the life and image you're cultivating for yourself. So you push it all aside hoping that the more accomplished version of you has a solution for all the pain. You hold on to this belief because you know if nobody has you right now then the future you has you...

I'm lost, so are most people my age. At huge crossroads facing potentially life altering decisions with minds that feel like they were never meant to process decisions of that breadth. I need some life breathed into me externally. My lungs are empty, I have drowned for so long. I thrive under external belief, I flourish under love's warm embrace. This world wants me to brave it alone so I can continue to be stripped of everything and have to seek my remedies at the end of consumer traps. I've been looked at with pure admiration and love before, I know nothing I buy will give me that sort of rush ever again. I've felt the warmth of someone who's needed my embrace, I know nothing I hold will feel the same. My heroin has me chasing ghosts. I don't even know if I'm recovering or still dazed