Warming up

Thriving in new environments has never been a feat of mine. I take time to adapt to everything. New routines, new tasks, new groups, they have always required me to take a step back first before a full indulgence. I remember some time in late 2012 my dad called me to watch him polish his shoes. "When you're off in school nobody will do this for you, it's best you learn." I paid attention and learned how to get the perfect polished look on shoes. That year I had undergone various preparatory changes, I had been circumcised and was staying with one of my older male cousins a high-schooler by then. I was being prepared for my first experience of boarding school at 10 years old. 

January 2013 came and I was enrolled into a school somewhere in the middle of Syokimau, a place I had only been once, during my interview for said school. The school itself was a sorry sight compared to what I was used to in Lavington. No green grass, no attractive uniforms, no compassionate micro-communities, it was hellish. I remember standing on a pavilion watching my dad's car drive of and feeling my heart sink further and further the further the car went until it was out of my sight. It was the first time in my life I would be spending an extended amount of time away from my parents and the only preparations that had been made were teaching me how to shine my shoes and a circumcision. Long story short I wasn't alright.

I've gotten better with preparing myself for new environments, mostly by affording myself grace. I understand now that most of the time the expectation that you will hit the ground running is rooted in the fear that you will be left out by those you find there. We all need time to adapt, some more than others. We need time to grow into new roles and shed vestigial habits and knowledge. Flexibility has become a capitalist buzzword but nobody talks about human tensile limits and how much they are tested by the need to be flexible. Instead of trying to be an immediate influence we should first try to hold down a spot. 

The first step in preparing for a transition for me is always acknowledgement. I make peace with the fact that it will suck to learn how to do what is expected of me properly. The constant correction and reprimand, the belittling feeling of always having to ask for help or guidance about what is clockwork for some. The constant and human need to compare and contrast everything from your output to your appearance. The impostor syndrome that accompanies it all. It hits like a truck, when you're unbraced especially. Amongst it all we however, discover new forms of beauty, new things to look forward to and new things to learn. It is harrowing initially, but it progresses beautifully and that's the story of nearly everything we experience during our short tenure on this rock hurling through space