Dear Allan,

Tuesday 23rd February 2022. I woke up to one of our classmates asking about your whereabouts on our fourth form alumni group. Nobody seems to know where you are hence there are no answers. I knew for sure everything was alright up until I view one of our schoolmate's status and see your picture with the caption rest in peace. I almost instantly remembered the time you and Elvis played a trick on me, when you posted his photo with the very same caption and I believed it. I remember feeling like an idiot when you told me it was an April fools day joke. It has to be another joke. Then the news was posted on the group chat, you had been involved in an accident on the night leading up to Monday. I instantly dialed your number and it rang, this gave me some sort of reassurance, if your phone was still on it only meant you were okay. I called two more times before deciding to call Brad to shed some light to me because I was worried. "...ni ukweli.'' he finished and my breath got caught in my throat. I cursed and put my phone down. 

I did not know how to react. My mind seemed to be devoid of any response, so I sat there blank. I go to tell my father but my voice is heavy. I fight back an ambush of stinging tears, I cannot seem to process anything at that specific moment. Then I immediately feel rage, I'm angry at you for not prioritizing your safety and I'm also angry at the universe for choosing to punish you so harshly for something people get away with everyday. I am angry at the person who left you helpless on the cold asphalt, angry at the ambulance for taking so long to arrive, angry at the hospital for not being able to save you. Again it is almost incomprehensible to me that you are gone.

I remember being unable to focus on anything else because my mind was still sputtering to start processing that you had left, for good. The day we got to your home and I saw how much your mother wept for you. I find myself almost smiling at the hysteria of it all, just thirteen days before you were asking us to join you in Juja for a good time, and I remember saying there would be plenty more Fridays for us to go out and enjoy ourselves. This still haunts me because that was the last Friday you were alive. I still remember my heart breaking with every note of your mom's cries. My eyes wouldn't leave the ground, I assume all of us felt a little guilty for what happened, I for sure felt a little responsible. I remember us sitting on the grass near our bus, under the stars questioning if we were ready to see you in a coffin.

The next morning their was an aura of feigned confidence and relaxation. Everybody seemed to forcefully tune out the impending ceremony. On the convoy from the morgue, the bus was silent, nobody spoke and there was tension. Your last ride, the last time you would see the world above. Then the casket was opened for us to take our last looks at you. I remember not being confident enough to approach. I saw the horror on your next of kin's faces and the shrill wails of your girlfriend and mother, a grim orchestra as I finally got myself together and went to take a look. You looked cold and rigid, the suppleness of life no longer on your skin. Chills repeatedly ran down my spine as I tried to mumble a prayer for you. This was it, the end of denial, the dagger to the heart that was clarity. Sometimes when I close my eyes I see you in that casket. I hate it. 

I remember when it finally came time for your coffin to be lowered into the ground. I cannot even put into words what I felt when I saw it descend into the red earth, the state I was in when I began to hear the soil hit your casket as the grave was filled by soil. 

I had no idea how close we were until you were ripped out of my life. I didn't know how many memories of you I had until they were all I had to remember you by. I had no idea what death felt like until you passed on. I now understand that you never get over it, you only learn to live with it. Even when I think I am okay it feels like the wounds are re-opened, every time I come across videos we laughed at together, every time I see you and hear your voice in videos, every time I see the whatsapp stickers you liked and every time I scroll past your number on my phone. I miss you, I miss laughing at our former classmates with you, I making bad drunken decisions with you and so many more things that just do not hit the same now that you are gone. I hope you are in a better place Allan because you deserve it. There has to be an afterlife, just so I can see you again. I hope there's not yet a fullstop on our story, just a comma. Continue resting in peace until we meet again.