The tug

 Some days I feel like I am at war with myself, I look inside and see a conflicted mess of emotions and thoughts. I seek synergy a sort of oneness, peace of mind. This is a picture so out of focus for me, so far from my reach that it's almost fictional. Out of reach, so for now I have to make amends with living in the chaos. Existing in the midst of the fighting. You see it becomes difficult to face your thoughts when it seems like each and every one of them is screaming out for your attention at once...and every time you think you have solved something you discover that it was just a layer and hiding beneath that are even uglier and more distorted voices. I need a filter, something that will help me find the harmony of every voice. These are not just shouts, they are cries for help. A loud vocal display of vulnerability, weaknesses that an inner me is aware of but I get blinded by delusion. I find a sort of temporary relief in the bliss of ignorance. There is ease in the oblivion, but the looming consequences of it hang precariously. It is like being led blindfolded to the edge of a cliff, you do not know when but you are going to fall eventually. On some days it is as if I'm passing in the middle of a battlefield, with versions of myself on either side leading huge armies. Forces charging thirstily towards each other, both hellbent on the complete and utter destruction of the other. I see these two forces in my peripheral view but I try not to look because I am afraid. I cannot discern whether they are headed toward each other or if they are both coming towards me. I run away because I do not have the wisdom to mediate, not yet.