Remember to listen to the birds

 I woke up frustrated, my problems wouldn't let me rest fully. I felt like I was supposed to do something, putting the work into getting better and if not, working towards forgetting that I was not okay. I wanted to feel like there is a direction I was moving towards and that I was not standing helplessly still, subject to whatever wanted to hit me from the darkness. I got out of bed, I was not sleepy but I still felt very tired. I made my way downstairs, turned on the television and tried to watch some YouTube. Everything seemed to positively reinforce whatever turmoil was going on inside me. Every now and then I'd hear someone say something completely unrelated to my current situation but I found way to make it feel like it was targeted to me and that I had to internalize and process it. I felt overwhelmed, I decided to go get breakfast and eat it in the kitchen. I almost couldn't even taste my food, it felt like I was in a shrinking box.

It felt terrible sitting still, I felt jitters and shakes. My legs began bouncing uncontrollably and I couldn't stop tapping my feet against the floor. I felt like I had a surge of energy that was being used to fuel my paranoia and uncertainty. I decided I needed to expend it, maybe if I got tired I'd have no strength to think about all these negative things. I put on my jumper and went out into the chilly morning, unsure of where I wanted to go but all too familiar of where I did not want to be. All around me people were getting ready to go about their day, I just wanted mine to be done with. If I had an off switch I'd flick it and revel in the numbness of unconsciousness.

I was still very much in my head, I was floating along to the tune of my sadness and frustration. Rhythmically taking deep breaths that made my body tremble. My chest felt like it was exploding and my heartbeat felt more like a laboured vibration. I found myself rolling my ankles over rocks and kicking dust into my crocs (a little rhyming action to cheer you up) . I continued walking, it was supposed to be a leisurely stroll but my pace mimicked a slight jog. I had no idea I was walking that fast. I had no idea I felt that pursued and hounded.

I found a place isolated enough to sit down without looking like a weirdo. My hands were shaking now and my breaths felt shallow and shaky. I couldn't escape what was happening to me and I found myself trying to detune so I closed my eyes. I don't know how long they were closed but when I opened them the sun's orange tinge was peeping through the clouds. I hadn't seen how beautiful the sunrise was, all that time I was walking with my head down. I acknowledged the warmth of sunlight on my face, I looked at the distant green hills and the broad greening savannah that separated us. I remembered to listen to the birds, the myriad of songs that they sang in the clear morning air. I remembered I was more than just what was happening to me. I remembered I was a human, fortunate enough to be perceiving all these beautiful things. I remembered my nature, the nature of the world and how I related to it. Remembered it's all a perpetual cycle of pain and pleasure, the former a counterweight to the latter. I remembered time heals all and that I would all be alright again