HOPE

A belief in your expectations. I'd call it a non-believer's faith. Faith is defined as belief in the unseen, a complete trust and conviction towards it. Delusion is described as false belief about an external reality. Here comes the dilemma, what is the metric we're using to make a judgement on this aforementioned reality or 'truth'. Are there clearly defined lines? Hope, delusion and faith... how does one tell them apart? It all depends on the context which your reality places you in, in my opinion. Whether Religion, Objective or a sad man sitting behind the screen of his laptop ranting

(I'm joking...)

I was once up in my bed, after my alarm rang and I asked myself, "What's driving me to get out of this bed? Where is my yearning coming from? " (I hate how much I sound like a cliché motivational speaker). I was unable to answer that question and that made me a little vexed. I bet most if not all of us sometimes go into rabbit holes and spirals where we're trying to find purpose. Most of the time we come out of them with more questions than answers (ama niko solo?). I was thinking long and hard about it. I asked myself again, "What's my source of hope?". Again I could not draw myself an answer. In my understanding, if I could find out where I draw my hope from, when I am at my lowest I can reach into it and get some to keep my head up but again, you may understand what you're going through intellectually, but you seldom can help it.

I am always hearing the phrases "trust the process" "Jesus is at the wheel" and all manner of other ones that encourage you to be calm about the proceedings of your life. Then again I am also aware that life is a canvas and you're the artist. Your life will be what YOU make of it (ni crazy bro, ju sasa utaamini nini? I have gone on a tangent, back to my story now). So I was thinking about hope and asking myself where mine stems from. Some would say you should be retrospective, look at how far you've come. Sometimes you have spat in the eyes of statistics and odds. You may even have surprised yourself with how far you have come! Is that not a double edged sword though? I mean you have been clueless thus far, relying on nothing but dumb luck and the fates. But what if lady luck stops looking kindly upon me? What then? I often empathize with people who are in similar circumstances as me but in a different situation, the sole divider being LUCK. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm living life like a crash test dummy. I'm in the car, holding the wheel with my seatbelt on driving along. By all accounts everything should be fine, BUT I am a crash test dummy. So anytime now, impact is coming. I don't know how hard I will get hit or how fast I'll be going when it happens, all I know is that impact is coming and I'm waiting for it (nimekaza haga). Problem is to try and 'mitigate the risk' I sometimes let my foot off the gas so that I can do an amateur damage control. I do not trust anyone but myself with my own safety. I am also aware of my own shortcomings and incompetence so i do not even trust myself a full degree (gahdemnit, ama ni trauma"). I want you to think about it though, maybe the reason you cannot trust anything is because you cannot even trust yourself.